This blog is fast turning into “Mat’s exercise in whinging” but there’s one last subject that I feel I must broach before I can move back into shoddy film reviews (or, more likely, take 4 months to even think about loading the page again). That subject, dear readers, is downloading music off the Internet (more specifically, from iTunes, actually).

I have failed to ever understand why people download music from iTunes. I can kind of understand that it’s more convenient, particularly when you’re filling up your iPod, to just click “Store” and then “Buy track” (after you’ve waited 5 minutes for the store to load… seriously, Apple, procuring the urine!?). However, no other product in the known universe is accepted on the Internet at lower standards than in real life.

Let’s take, for the sake of example, a 1963 Pontiac Tempest with positraction (or a 1964 Buick Skylark which does not have positraction). It’s a feat of American Engineering, taking years to design and produce by one or more engineers and designers. The manufacturing process it taken out of the equation since it doesn’t really apply here. Conventional commerce dictates that if you are intending to buy such a car, you go to a car lot that contains many different types of car and check out the one that you’re buying. You check the tyres, the colour, how it feels to sit inside it. When you’re satisfied, you part with your well earned cash to a licensed vendor and drive the car away, there and then (or wait a week or so for your insurance to come through, I guess, but my point is that applies to any car purchase).

Now let’s imagine that you, instead, blinded by the lights of new technology, purchase your car from an online retailer that specialises in designing and building roads, which we will call iVroom. Looking past the fact that the retailer’s main line of business is designing and building roads, they have a good reputation and you’re confident in the validity of your online purchase. Millions of others are doing it and you’re told every day that the car salesman industry is dying; soon you won’t be able to buy your car from a lot anymore. iVroom even allows you to have a short test drive of your car before you buy, which is nice of them. You find a faded green 1963 Pontiac Tempest and a faded green 1964 Buick Skylark, just like there was from the blood and guts retailer. You decide you’d like to buy the 1963 Pontiac Tempest, you’ve test drove it for a bit and it feels almost the same.

There’s one slight difference though. Although the Pontiac was £8,250 from the real life retailer, it’s £8,999 online. This seems a bit odd; the online retailer pays almost nothing in manufacturing compared to the real life version (I realise my analogy has got a little stretched here) and enjoys gigantic economies of scale - they sell thousands of cars every week whereas the real life salesman only has a stock of 10 or 20 cars in comparison. But hey, iVroom probably has giant running costs, so it’s okay. The convenience of doing it from your computer makes up for the increase in price for the same product, and wow! The same retailer will even sell you the individual parts to the car, such as the lights and the doors, for a fraction of the price. Only some of the parts, mind, about half of them… after that you have to buy the whole car, but that’s kind of fair. One click, and you’ve paid, and the delivery of the car through your giant tubes has begun.

A short while later and your car has arrived (in the meantime, you’ve got it insured, so you can drive it right now!). This is where the problems begin; your car can only go on roads that support this new-fangled online car. New roads are being built every day, so that’s okay - you only bought the car because you live on one of these roads anyway. With a bit of effort you can clone the car into something that runs on the old fashioned roads, just as you can clone the old fashioned car to run on the new roads. However, you start to notice some differences at this point. Whereas the old car ran beautifully, without any problems, the new car only runs at about half the speed, and it’s only about half as enjoyable. In fact, it’s eaten one of your legs and you can’t use that to enjoy the car. The build quality of the car seems only about a fifth of what it was when you bought one from the real life man; although when you’re just driving around it’s barely noticeable, when you realise the car doesn’t have any glass or a roof it begins to be a bit less subtle. Your cloned real car doesn’t have any of these problems, and is generally kick-ass.

It all seems fine until something goes wrong. After two horrific accidents in quick succession, you write off both of your online cars. One of them has been reproduced from your real car, which you keep in your garage (you only drive on new roads anyway) and the other was the car you bought from iVroom. Since you’ve already paid for the car (and a little bit more for the convenience), you return to iVroom and ask them to kindly give you a new one at no cost to themselves. iVroom asks for another £8,999. They are bastards, and they’ve bested you again. Your inferior downloaded car is never replaced, and you are forced to use your real car to recreate another newfangled car. Soon, you are put on trial for murder for shooting the clerk.

However, the worst thing about this all - the most irksome thing - is that suddenly children as young as 8 are buying cars. All the car magazines are full of children’s cars, because of their epic buying power and their easily addled minds, susceptible to marketing and radio. You notice that all the kids are buying a new 2007 Rihannamobile, and it continues to be a top seller for 3 months. During these three months, you see them all the time, driving around the roads, and it repulses you to the ends of the earth. Ever since it became the top seller, some witchcraft has meant that it has never stopped raining. Cold, and depressed, you spear yourself in the head.

The moral of the story is that downloading music from the Internet causes people to spear themselves in the head. So, y’know, bear that in mind.

Of course, if you’re looking for a very rare 1971 Caddilac, then you may find that most car salesmen don’t stock it. Some reputable online retailers do stock it, and they’re the only place to get it. In this instance it is no longer gay to buy from the Internet. Other instances are when it is:

• Free
• Sexy
• Good

or where you’re really late for a radio show.